I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
