I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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