You smell like a Billy Joel song
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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