??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
