I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
