I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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