Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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