Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
