My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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