The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
