Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
