I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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