I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
