we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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