Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
