hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
