So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
