im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
