Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
