the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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