It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
