Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
