so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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