I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
