when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
