Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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