WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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