lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
