i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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