We're facebook friends in real life
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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