My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
