I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
