Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
