I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
