he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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