Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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