and you said cock pushups were impossible
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
