I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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