Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
