so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
