I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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