He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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