So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You're like the curious george of whores
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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