As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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