You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
