I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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