Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
