dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i believe in u and ur pee
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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