she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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