my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
